Right now I am remembering the days when our babies were small enough to stand on our laps and play. When they tried to balance on wobbly legs as they reached out to touch our faces…. maybe pinch a cheek or grab the nose. When they were all drool and wide eyes soaking up the world behind angelic faces and mops of hair. Right now the little girl is back to her bottle, and mom is probably thinking she is looking forward to getting her off of that thing one day. And she probably means it. Right now.

Right now the baby has a grasp on mommy’s wrist with one hand, and mommy’s thumb with the other. She is enjoying the bottle and drifting off to sleep. Off to dream baby dreams and enjoy her place on mommy’s lap, where she fits so comfortably. Right now. And I miss my boys. And I remember watching Kendra hold them for the first time. And I remember Logan calling me “dad” for the first time. And I remember knowing my life had changed so much for the better. I am so proud of all our sons and their development in life so far. I just sometimes wish I could go back and hold on to those moments… hold on to them… instead of just holding on to memories…. like right now.

Right now Logan is almost done with his first day of high school. Jaden and Dillon are now second-graders. Right now this mom is several years away from having to deal with saying those good-byes. Right now she won’t have to worry about planning the right things to say, but somehow getting caught up in the rush of a morning and not quite getting the right words out in just the right way. She won’t have to worry if they all went off into their new environments armed with the message she hoped to deliver….not right now.

Right now the little girl has fought off sleep. She is rubbing her eyes and picking at a new wafer. Mom is yawning. Right now she’d probably like them both to get some rest. But right now she is enjoying her daughter. Maybe she realizes how quickly all this will pass. Maybe she understands how much she will appreciate this moment some day. Maybe she realizes she is sitting among other parents who would give anything to hold their babies in their laps again… or have their children with them on this flight. Right now.

Baby has droopy eyes. Sleep will have its victory soon. But she is managing to smile through it right now. Logan and Jaden and Dillon are off facing new challenges and learning to handle their new experiences. They are focused on the events of their days. But as they go, whether they realize it or not, they remain in my and Kendra’s hearts and minds. Not only today, but every day…. and especially right now.

Thanks for coming along for the ride….

Kiss your kids

One of the many blessings of having kids in ages from toddler to teenager is having the ever-present reminder that “Dad’s Little Helper”, while a highly prestigious and sought after position early on, quickly becomes the job no one wants to take or hold for very long as the kids grow older. Logan was fantastic as an assistant bicycle mechanic. He was an expert seed thrower and jr. landscape artist. But now… the other day, I asked him to sweep the front walkway because we had people coming over and everyone was tasked with something to help out; he obliged, but I believe the word he used was “exploitation”, or some derivative thereof.

Jaden spent about 20 minutes washing dishes the other day. Both he and Dillon rush to help me pull weeds, hang pictures, fix chairs, and change AC filters. Ethan loves to help empty the dishwasher and help sweep. Dillon and Jaden used to help me make pancakes almost every weekend. Now they just help out every now and then. They’ve passed a lot of the pancake helper opportunities down to Ethan, who is a permanent fixture in the kitchen when I’m making pancakes or when Kendra is baking anything. He is in full blown “Little Helper” mode and is trying to climb that corporate ladder as quickly as his little Pumas will take him. The twins have reached the executive office level and feel like they need to start branching out. They do enjoy being BBQ/Grilling assistants though… I think it’s the lure of the fire. The danger factor plays well with them. They are looking forward to helping me take the Tiger Saw to the Christmas tree.

Yep, these days just fly… I document these things not to brag, but as evidence that these times did indeed exist, because in a few years it may not seem even remotely possible… but also to remind myself not to be impatient or get frustrated by the “help” that I receive, because the help won’t last long. My jr. executives will venture on just as the previous administration did. Ethan will ascend to the high ranks and shortly afterwards, he too will depart. So, it isn’t just the loss of my illustrator, but the eventual vacancies that will exist in all the helper categories that make me want to appreciate every one of the little things they do today.

Thanks for coming along for the ride…

We cut Ethan’s hair a few weeks ago. It was his first real haircut, and it had been a long time coming. His mother adored the curly mop on his head, and it really had become one of Ethan’s defining characteristics. His little cherub face draped by the wild locks… sometimes frayed with wild spirals shooting in every direction; sometimes neatly kept with curls falling just so; and often a random mix of everything that seemed the perfect topping for the toddling bundle of energy and destruction known familiarly as “E”. But that afternoon she brought him home and his mane was shorn. Kendra was not happy with the cut. This is an understatement. She took him someplace out of convenience rather than out of preference, and in her desperation for a quick fix (it was almost nap time and he wouldn’t have made it back to the parlor for a touch up, and she wanted his hair fixed IMMEDIATELY) she turned to me for help. Generally, I am not allowed to touch or even provide general commentary on any of the boys’ hair as my input usually involves the words “cut it all off” and things get a little animated. That day though, I was asked to get the clippers.

I asked her if she was sure (as advised by my attorneys following the incident referred to as Logan haircut #4 in 2006), and she affirmed so we headed upstairs for the event. I placed the guards on my clippers and Ethan smiled up at me. Kendra watched nervously as tufts of wavy brown hair fell to the floor while I evened out his haircut. Finally, the click of the off switch and the sudden halt to the buzzing that had filled the air. Ethan looked around to both of us as we stood there for a few moments in silence…”It looks good.”

Something was different. We both thought it, but as we held him and watched him smiling at himself in the mirror neither of us wanted to say it aloud. Ethan’s face beamed. He ran his fingers through his hair and couldn’t stop smiling. He seemed to enjoy the unobstructed view of his face and the feel of his newly shortened hair. We stared at this handsome child (fatherly bias acknowledged) and I had to finally say it, “He looks like a little boy now; like a little kid.” The baby was gone. Down in the ringlets and waves on the bathroom floor and back at the salon were the ends of E’s babyhood; we just didn’t know.

People’s reactions to the haircut were telling…”wow! he looks so different!”; “he looks so much older!”; “he looks so much like a little boy now instead of a baby!”… but even then, it didn’t hit me. But he was talking more, and doing more… and little things that had probably been building for some time were all coming together. He started bringing us diapers and asking us to change him; he wants to try to sit on the toilet now; he has become a rabid moon hunter and is quite vocal and persistent about following that process daily; he has grown increasingly independent to the point where once he finally allows us to help him with something, he has to be touching our hands so it still seems like he is doing it himself. Of course, none of this is overnight. Ethan still has plenty of development ahead of him, but the difference in the pace of his progress is really amazing. He is dropping infancy like a bad habit and is fully embracing boyhood (he will be two in December).

I do realize that the simple act of cutting hair does not trigger emotional and physical maturation. But I do believe the timing was not merely coincidental. Something in that event sparked awareness in him, in us, and in others that he is no longer just a baby. Maybe that influenced our treatment of and reactions to him which in turn fed his sense of self worth and increased his confidence that was probably already building from other developmental milestones he had recently reached. I can’t say for certain, but I do know that when I look back at the past several weeks I can clearly see the haircut as an event in time that after which I can identify the shift in behaviors (sorry, I deal with data for a living).

What if we’d gotten the haircut sooner? What about if we had held off and waited a while? Chances are there would have been another event that triggered our awareness or his readiness at some point along the timeline. Maybe that event would have had a completely different effect. But knowing what we know now (or at least considering the possibility for a moment), would we still have wanted the haircut that day if it meant a couple more months of having the “baby” around? I’m comfortable with my answer to that question, but as these events pile up, I may not always be.

Last night we took the twins’ bunk beds down (thanks Mike and EJ!) and placed them across the room from one another. That bedroom has never seemed so large. It felt like the beds were miles apart from each other. The boys had been in bunk beds for about 3 years until last night. Their cribs and toddler beds were never more than an outstretched arm’s length apart. It may not seem like much, but this will represent the greatest amount of distance that has existed between those two. Kendra made a statement as we were walking downstairs afterward that this could be the first step in them moving apart. It hit me as a very sad thought and was not something I had considered previously. We know their relationship will evolve as they fully develop their individual identities and rely less on their “twinship” to cope with life. We embrace that and want them both the have strong senses of self and healthy external relationships. It just seemed very bittersweet that we may have been ushering in another event…and I didn’t see it coming.

Kendra unloaded the boys and their Day 1 supplies as I unfolded the stroller and strapped Ethan in for the ride. It was not quite 8:15, but the heat was noticeable, and it was being compounded by the humidity from the previous night’s thunderstorms. I smiled pleasantly at the parade of vehicles that passed, trying not too look too pleased with myself for finding a parking space close to the crosswalk at the entrance to the school. After all, it was a stressful day for parents, and I didn’t need to come back to slashed tires or anything like that. We made our way past the backs of parents pressed closely to the fences of the Kindergarten Corral over to the grade-school playground, and as we turned the corner I felt as though I’d suddenly found ourselves on Main Street in Disneyland. The crowd was unbelievable. Jaden, who had to this point exhibited no sign of concern or apprehension, paused in his tracks and allowed his jaw to drop slightly in amazement before snapping to and beginning to fight his way through the masses over to the designated waiting area.

We struggled upstream like determined salmon and the heat began to become an active player in the growing chaos. Grandma attempted to capture the occasion through photography, but the heavy backpacks and mounting heat rendered the boys unwilling to stand and pose for very long. We finally made our way to the teacher and their classmates, and the boys happily set down their burdens. Jaden ran off to the swings to try to generate a breeze to cool himself down, and Dillon… where is Dillon?

The next 3-5 minutes (felt like 30 – 50) provided a decades worth of terror. The heat (now registering just north of 98 degrees plus the humidity at 8:30 am – you read that correctly), combined with the swarming crowd was having a dizzying effect on me. Sweat was beading down my forehead and into my eyes… I couldn’t focus on faces… Kendra and I were searching the crowd for faces, for clothing, hair, anything that would point him out for us. I circled the area while Kendra wove through the lines. There was no use calling out for him… the noise level was immense. Suddenly the bell. All the kids froze, and the noisy roar was immediately reduced to murmured conversations. I walked slowly trying to take advantage of the motionless herd…my mind racing with images of the press conference where we are flashing photos of Dillon and I am screaming threats into the cameras at whomever stole my son…my heart was racing and the heat was very intense… I could hardly breathe… Kendra and I exchanged glances…nothing…she was calm… she knew he had likely just wandered off to explore… I was approaching a meltdown…the second bell. Now all the children hurried into lines. The smaller children took cues from the older kids and sought out teachers waving signs with the teacher’s last name and class written on it… they lined up single file… the parents began to separate from the students… my vantage point improved…still no Dillon. I was about to be in full panic at this point…I searched the area for the principal to alert her of the situation… then casually from the far end of the playground strolled Dillon. I resisted the urge to sprint to him and ask if he was ok and find out what happened, where he had been… I walked toward him and he toward me…”I can’t find my backpack”. “Oh…it’s over here buddy”. He was unaffected… I had to let go of my hysteria so he wouldn’t be alarmed. I took him by the hand over to his classmates. He eagerly strapped his backpack on and soldiered along with his group toward the flagpole for the morning pledge.

The school put together what would have been a beautiful harmony concert of God Bless America as part of the morning activities… had it been performed indoors under the air conditioning of the cafeteria or even outdoors in a sub 90 degree morning, I think it would have been more widely appreciated. As it was, the children waited patiently through all the pomp and circumstance… sweaty little pink faces stared blankly as they marched obediently from place to place. Sweat dripped down tiny faces; new sundresses and polo shirts were soaked with kiddy sweat and wrinkled and gathered from restless hands clutching at collars for relief from the heat. Little hairdos fell flat, and pigtails and ponytails began to unravel. Moms and dads escorted our little ones down the hallways and into the classrooms. The AC provided little relief for those brief moments in the building. Kendra maintained her composure admirably as she bid farewell to her little men… her daily companions for all but a couple months of their six years of life. I was proud of her bravery (even if she was the last parent to leave the room). I stood in the hallway with Ethan in his stroller, both of us trying to recover, and I exchanged shrugs and curses of the heat with the other exiting parents. I looked in and saw Jaden look down at a piece of paper that had been handed out to the class. He smiled and looked over to his classmate and said, “1st grade is going to be easy!”

Kendra left the room with a sad smile on her face… she knew her guys would be just fine… she was just a little unsure if she would.

We went to the lake last weekend to celebrate Independence Day with my in-laws and we took their boat out on the water. We planned to arrive around 9am to get a few hours in prior to the heat of the day setting in. As usual, it took us a while to get out of the house, and by the time we gassed up and grabbed some food 9am had passed (I would mention my “shortcut” but it didn’t really impact us since we were already late, so…). We drove through the winding canyon roads and pretended we were on a roller-coaster ride. The boys threw their hands in the air when we went down the hills and dips, and leaned into every twist and turn. We were all in high spirits and looking forward to playing at the lake. We arrived about an hour late (not too bad), found out the marina was nowhere near capacity, parked right next to the cove (had we arrived too early, the space may not have been available… maybe), and unloaded all our kids and gear. It was shaping up to be just another fun Saturday…until we went out on the water.

The stage was set… I was steering us out into the lake toward the canyon walls. The water was wide open with very little chop. Kendra held Ethan on her lap and sat across from her mother on the bow seats. Jaden and Dillon sat at the stern near the prop so they could watch the wake behind us. I was soaking in the serenity of the beautiful sky and glide of the vessel toward the canyon passage. The spray from the lake offered periodic relief with bursts of mist. Sound faded away… I caught the satisfied smiles of the passengers as we sped along, my head on a constant swivel to be watchful of skiers or other sea traffic. I was completely given to the moment when I heard it, and the looming shadow crept forward.

“Wow! He’s a really good JetSkier!” was the proclamation that came from behind me. As I heard it, I saw Ethan’s face glow with elation as he smiled widely and pointed off the starboard side. I turned to see the JetSkier zipping along beside us, and watched as he skipped back and forth across our wake.  He sped up beside us to wave then fell back again to continue the entertainment. Logan had become an impressive skier! He followed us through the canyon and to the other side of the lake. Turning away now and then to find new wake to jump or to reposition himself out of the way of the other watercraft. I wrestled with that JetSki years ago and never could get it going. He was out on the lake making it look as simple as walking. I was very proud to see him out there, and I knew the time he spent working to get to that level.  I started recalling his first bike ride, his first tree climb, the time he gave up the floatation support and committed to learn to swim… all these things rushed to mind. It seemed as close as yesterday. I watched the boys study him. I knew they were contemplating the challenge. The shadow inched closer. I slowed the boat.

Logan is 13…and a half.  It seems like tomorrow that will be leaving home for college…next week the twins… next month Ethan. The shadow was on my mind completely.  It is too harsh a reality that these moments are ever fleeting. They have their lives, their paths to follow. I couldn’t shake those thoughts, but I was able to push them far enough back to enjoy the ride back to shore. I laid off the throttle, despite the urgings of my thrill-seeking children. And after we anchored in the cove, my only thought was to let the day drag on as long as it could. I made no mention of leaving, nor did I seek out the time of day. It would end when it ended, and after a few glorious hours it did.

We don’t really speak about it, but I know Kendra feels the shadow too. The boys will be running around the house and she will grab whomever she can catch and just hug and kiss him. They hate this, or at least pretend to, but I know why she does it. The same reason I do, and the same reason that makes us go into their room at night and watch them sleep peacefully. The time. One day, that time will return. And I will hate it.

Thanks for coming along for the ride…

 So… Jaden and I are in the twins’ room because he is being sent there for aggravated assault on an air circulation device (repeatedly throwing toys at the cieling fan). He is in the midst of trying to explain to me that I cannot control him because he is himself and I am me and he wants to go out of his room and I am being rude because I am not letting him do what he wants to do. Dillon hears his brother’s pleas for release and slinks into the bedroom trying to avert his eyes from mine. He walks slowly over to Jaden and takes him by the hand… then he mutters something to Jaden and both of them attempt to slowly make their way out into the hallway as if this stealth mission was far to clever for me to discover…even as they perpetrate the act before my very eyes. As they crept into the hallway, eyes wide and grinning ear to ear, it was all I could do to not double over in laughter. I composed myself enough to call out their names firmly and redirect Jaden to the bedroom to finish discussing his sentencing. Dillon then tried to screen me off as Jaden made a break for the door… in the end, justice prevailed, but not without a valiant effort from the offending party and his wing man.

Thanks for coming along for the ride… Kiss your kids!

All three boys have been fantastic big brothers; they are constantly concerned with making sure Ethan is comfortable or has what he needs. They often stop what they are doing if he cries to try to lend a hand. They always ask to hold him and help out with tummy time. There has been no indication of jealousy or resentment. I think that we have been so relieved with how things have transitioned that we have given our remaining attention to the details of maintaining the house and keeping all the plates spinning at work. Dillon helped me to realize that we still have three other boys we need to dote on and have special time with. This is a humbling lesson that I had not thought I would have to learn, but as I honestly reflect on the last several weeks it has been quite convenient for me to lump the boys together in some activity and use the time with all of them as my “family time”. This is a cop out. I refuse to continue down this path. My four-year-old should not have to wake himself up in the middle of the night in order to spend some quality time with his father. 

Dillon and I took a trip to grab breakfast for the family… it was a simple trip and it took all of about 25 minutes, but it allowed me to connect with him in a way that we had not been able to in a long while. My committment to him and to Jaden and to Logan (Ethan tends to find ways to get alone time) is to continue to find little ways to spend bigger and bigger slices of time together that are individually significant. This time slips by so quickly, and we only get one chance to try to parent these guys. I want to make the most of the time I have in front of them while my opinion still matters and while they still see hanging out with me as a “cool” thing to do. The sands in the hour glass don’t pause… family has to remain the higher priority over the distractions of life… hopefully I can stay on track and we can find enough time in the day for our dedicated time, and we can all go back to sleeping peacefully at night.

Thanks for coming along for the ride… Kiss your kids!

It’s like standing in line to ride that roller-coaster for the first time… you hear the shrieks and screams of those ahead of you and you’re not really sure what to expect… you see people survive the ride and get off, and some even come back to ride again… when it’s your turn, you sit down, strap in, and hold on.  There are moments you lose your breath, moments you scream out loud, moments you want to close your eyes and wish you were back on the ground, and moments when you are grinning ear to ear. The best part is, with kids, the ride is never the same… the down side is, as I am finding out, it seems to go by just as quickly.

I think back to when it was just Logan, Kendra, and me… life was full and days were packed. It didn’t seem possible that the curious little boy I knew would grow into the creative young man he is becoming. It does not seem long ago when Logan was tearing up and down the street in his Big Wheel or boldly demanding his training wheels be removed from his bike. I still vividly remember the day he said goodbye to his life preserver at the apartment swimming pool when he saw another little boy his age swimming without one. He decided then that he would always be one to shine… that light still glows in him… I can’t wait to see that light in full shine!

Thinking back even further when I ventured out into the “real world” and set out for Phoenix in search of a career, I had no idea what a blessing was in store for me in Logan and Kendra. In a blink, we went from three to five…now Logan is on the cusp of adolescence, Jaden and Dillon are nearing Kindergarten age, and baby #4 is rounding the turn. We have had no shortness of twists and turns or loop the loops, but all in all, we continue to enjoy the ride. I have no idea what the next step will bring. God continues to bless us in ways we could not imagine… so I stand here terrified, overjoyed, listening to the symphony of emotions of those that ride ahead of me… and look forward to taking this ride one more time.

Kiss your kids!