A Parenting Book…written by Kids!

By Vanessa Van Petten, creator of RadicalParenting.com and author of the parenting book, “Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?” (http://www.radicalparenting.com/books-and-products/book-youre-grounded/)

When I was 16 I thought it was my Dad’s goal in life to make me miserable. I was convinced that he had a running list of all the ways he could embarrass me in front of my friends, trick me into doing more chores or make my curfew earlier.

Our relationship would have continued to devolve until one day I saw my Dad reading a parenting book. I flipped through it while my Dad was in the bathroom and realized a lot of the things he did that drove me crazy he was getting right out of this book! I looked at the other parenting books on our shelves and realized that they were all written by adults. I wondered—has anyone ever asked teens to write to their parents?

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9a2jw-xhTg&feature=player_embedded

I decided to build a website where teens could answer questions and write to parents called RadicalParenting.com.  I couldn’t believe how quickly it grew and how happy both teens were to get their voices out and parents were to have a new outlet for connecting with their kids! We now have over 120 teen writers who give advice.

Teenagers, when given a neutral space LOVE talking to parents and often offer some of the best insight because they are going through it themselves. We have also be so excited to help parents who feel like they cannot reach their kids and teens.

I think teens and parents can work together to overcome their differences and learn to work best together. We have just come out with our book: Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded and it is a radical approach to parenting because it is written from the kid’s perspective! We would love for you to check it out—if you are brave enough to see what kids have to say!

Here is what Publisher’s Weekly had to say:

“Van Petten, founder of the popular Web site RadicalParenting.com, offers parents a candid view of the contemporary teen’s world in this eye-opening text. Van Petten uses actual stories about teens and their often anxious, angry, or befuddled parents to introduce each chapter. Pointing out that she is neither a parent nor a teen (nor a doctor, therapist, or counselor), the college-grad author has nevertheless earnestly investigated her subject and includes current research on teens as well as hundreds of “real quotes, interviews, e-mails and advice from actual teens.” Van Petten explores a variety of timely subjects, including peer relationships, teen/parent communication, bullying, technology, and “risky business” (smoking, drinking, sex, and more). Her outlook on technology and “Internet savvy” is particularly incisive, emphasizing not only the hazards of “time-suck” activities (i.e., Facebook, chatting on IM, and texting) but also the many social and academic benefits of the digital universe. Like a crafty spy, Van Petten comfortably segues from parent to teen perspective, and while noting that each adolescent is unique, she skillfully opens doors to the collective teen psyche. “

–Publishers Weekly

Vanessa Van Petten is one of the nation’s youngest experts, or ‘youthologists’ on parenting and adolescents. She now runs her popular parenting website, RadicalParenting.com, which she writes with 120 other teenage writers to answer questions from parents and adults. Her approach has been featured by CNN, Fox News, and Wall Street Journal. She was also on the Real Housewives of Orange County helping the housewives with troubled teens. Her next book, “Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?” is being released in September 2011 with Plume Books of Penguin USA.

(http://www.radicalparenting.com/books-and-products/book-youre-grounded/)

All I really wanted to do was go on a little bike ride. I figured we would take the boys to the park and let them play awhile. January evenings in Phoenix can be quite accommodating, so several families were out enjoying the end of another 80 degree day. With all the children and activity, I hardly noticed the little scamp of a canine running around the park…but Ethan did. He and I had seen a couple stray dogs a few days earlier when we were at another neighborhood park. We tried to corral them and locate any identification or contact information for them, but they evaded us. They looked like they had been on the run for a while. Ethan wasn’t too impressed by those dogs… they were fairly large and somewhat aggressive, though not towards him. We talked a little about the kind of dog we should get “one day” and we decided it wouldn’t be a yappy dog or a “jump on you” dog, but outside of those criterion, we didn’t really nail down a description. But, as I was pushing Ethan on the swings and looking around to see what Jaden and Dillon were up to, Ethan made a comment that I dismissed. “That’s the kind of dog we want daddy” he told me as he watched the little black dog run across the park. “I will pet it. That is a good dog.” I watched the dog scamper away from the children pursuing it and told him something about maybe trying to pet the dog once he was done swinging. He was fine with that and did not mention it again.

I took a look at the dog as Ethan and I walked over to the slides. It was scraggly and small. This was not the kind of dog I was interested in having. I’ve imagined our family dog on several occasions, and in no scenario did the dog resemble this one. I shook my head. Poor dog. Running around looking haggard and hungry. Many of the children attempted to play with it, but it wouldn’t let anyone close. I don’t know what made Ethan think that was the kind of dog he would want to pet, let alone have to keep… I let it go. We played a while longer…the little stray dog blended into the background and out of my mind. And then came the Fruit Loop.

I walked in the direction of the scruffy little pup and tried to formulate my capture plan. I figured I would get down low and offer the treat and then grab the collar to check for some contact information. Then I noticed the collar… it was brown leather with white rhinestones in the shape of doggy bones… seriously? This was certainly not the kind of dog we were going to get. I ran back through my arguments for getting a pit bull… or at least a lab. There had to be a way to sell Kendra on the idea.

The little sparkly collar dog was not the least bit interested in my cereal bait. I tried a couple more times and was ready to give up. The dog started running off to the other end of the park. Then the little girl upped the pressure. She started walking after the bedazzled mongrel and her little sister followed suit. They both looked back at me as they pressed on. “I think her name is ‘Mercedes’. I saw her collar earlier and I think that was her name.” I began to walk slowly with them as I tried to let the dog build a head start. “Mercedes”? Please.

I kept the dog in my vision but allowed it to gain ground ahead of us. I didn’t want to play chase all night, but I also didn’t want the dog to get hurt. Traffic around the park was picking up, and the little import was getting close to the streets. “I hope she don’t get hit by a ca-ah”. The little sister played the guilt card. I picked up my pace a little. Little sister broke out the “ca-ah” line again, but this time she choked a little bit and leaned into her big sister. I knew I wasn’t leaving that park without knowing that dog was safe somewhere. I have never felt more relieved that I did not have little girls than I did at that moment. I would be a mess.

The dog stopped at the edge of the sidewalk and we were able to catch up to her. I tried the Fruit Loop again. This time, she darted into the street. Great. Now cars were stopping in either direction as this little black dog with the sparkly boned collar played Frogger and weaved between and beneath the cars. I gave chase and directed traffic under the close supervision of the worried sisters. Finally, the chase ended as an unsuspecting motorist stopped her car to make sure she didn’t hit the dog. As she stepped out of her vehicle to see where the pup went, the dog jumped into the car and under the feet of the woman’s son who was riding in the passenger seat. Another driver stopped to help us as we tried to coax the dog out of the car, but it was of no use. We were able to locate a phone number on the dog collar, but when I placed a call, it went straight to voicemail.

One of the ladies remarked that she had seen this dog running the streets in the area for at least a week. I left a message on the voicemail and we stood around waiting for one of us to volunteer to take the dog home while we waited to hear from the owners.  I was not in a hurry to volunteer to take the dog home. Kendra is allergic to most dogs, and tiny dogs named Mercedes wearing jewel encrusted collars were not really my style…but we had to do something. I figured maybe I would keep her in the backyard until we straightened things out with her owners. Poor thing. At least it would be safe.

So, the lady followed me and Jaden home (we rode our bikes; she drove slowly behind), and we got the dog into the backyard. Jaden made a friend with the little boy while his mom and I got the dog situated in the backyard. We left Logan in charge of the dog. I placed another phone call and left another message, then we drove back to pick up Kendra and the other boys. It was getting dark.

The sisters walked by with their mom as we loaded up the bikes. I let them know we had the dog safely in our backyard. Fruit Loop looked up at me. “I saw another dog running around on the other side of the park”. I averted my eyes. I could not be sucked in again. “I think I caught my limit today”. I ducked my head and hurried to the driver side door. I glanced around but didn’t see any other dogs. Whew.

The plan was to let the dog stay in the backyard as we hunted down her owners. I placed calls. I left messages. We looked on websites. We drove through neighborhoods looking for postings. Nothing. I left a final message begging the people to call me back. I let them know I couldn’t keep the dog and that I would have no choice but to take her to a shelter the next day. That was the plan. But it was getting cold…and the dog had been through so much…and she really was a good dog. She loved the boys. She warmed up to them right away. She didn’t yap. She didn’t jump on Ethan. She was a great dog.

We put out a blanket and let her come inside. We borrowed some dog food, some shampoo, and a brush from some friends. She needed to eat, and she needed a bath. We couldn’t put her back outside after a bath. She would freeze. I figured she would sleep in the laundry room, but she was so good that it would probably be okay if she just slept downstairs on her blanket. We had to address the dog in some way…but I could not bring myself to call her Mercedes. Kendra had the perfect compromise – Sadie. It sounded close enough so the dog might find it familiar. We tried it. It worked. Sadie it is.

We warned the kids before bed…if the owners call or we get a hold of them, we would have to give her back. They said they understood. They tried to keep their distance emotionally. But as they headed to bed, Dillon looked at me and said, “I do think she’s happy here though”. She did seem happy. She is a good dog.

I realized around 1am that I could not find the dog. Kendra joined me as I searched. We poked through Logan’s room (his was the only other bedroom door that was open). He looked up at us to inquire as to our activities. We told him we were looking for the dog. “You already lost the dog you just found?” Go back to sleep. I went back downstairs. Kendra went back into our room. “A-ha!” Kendra found her. She had curled up under our bed.

In the morning, Sadie would not come out from under the bed. I coaxed and called. Nothing. Then, when the boys came in they knelt beside the bed and called her. Out she came. Please don’t call…please don’t call.

We took Sadie to get checked out and ended up making some appointments for shots and grooming. The lady says she is some type of Terrier mix (I called that one) and that she is the kind of dog that has ‘hair’ instead of ‘fur’… the kind of dog that Kendra is not allergic to. Please don’t call…please don’t call!

The phone never rang. The boys have all but assumed total ownership of Sadie now. Jaden and Dillon tried to fight back smiles as they went to bed tonight knowing they would wake up tomorrow and see Sadie’s little black tail wagging in delight. They are in love with this dog… and I don’t think she’s too bad either.

We did get her a new collar…and a leash… and a food dish and a place mat and a frisbee…just in case she stays a while. I never saw it coming. But sometimes the places life takes us unexpectedly are far superior to the places we plan to go.

Thanks for coming along for the ride…

I know you don’t hear these words from me all the time, and these words are words worth hearing. Just know that the tired words, and the frustrated words, and the angry words, and the loud words are just words. And when I say those words, I am still thinking these words. And these words are words to remind you that you are special, that you are wonderful, that you are loved.

I wish I knew all the right words for the right times so I could pass on the wise words and the sound advice. But sometimes I say no words, when any words might help…and sometimes I say wrong words, when no words will ever do. So just know when I forget words or I fail words that I am thinking these words… and these words are words to remind you that I understand, and that I am here for you, and that I would fight for you, and that I would die for you.

Words are, too often, squandered. I say the things I hardly mean, and hardly say the things I mean. But these words are not just words. These words are my words to you…and they are to remind you that I love you. I am proud of you. I could ask for no greater gifts than you. Forget the sad words. Forgive the cuss words. Remember these words instead of those words.

Thanks for coming along for the ride…

Right now I am remembering the days when our babies were small enough to stand on our laps and play. When they tried to balance on wobbly legs as they reached out to touch our faces…. maybe pinch a cheek or grab the nose. When they were all drool and wide eyes soaking up the world behind angelic faces and mops of hair. Right now the little girl is back to her bottle, and mom is probably thinking she is looking forward to getting her off of that thing one day. And she probably means it. Right now.

Right now the baby has a grasp on mommy’s wrist with one hand, and mommy’s thumb with the other. She is enjoying the bottle and drifting off to sleep. Off to dream baby dreams and enjoy her place on mommy’s lap, where she fits so comfortably. Right now. And I miss my boys. And I remember watching Kendra hold them for the first time. And I remember Logan calling me “dad” for the first time. And I remember knowing my life had changed so much for the better. I am so proud of all our sons and their development in life so far. I just sometimes wish I could go back and hold on to those moments… hold on to them… instead of just holding on to memories…. like right now.

Right now Logan is almost done with his first day of high school. Jaden and Dillon are now second-graders. Right now this mom is several years away from having to deal with saying those good-byes. Right now she won’t have to worry about planning the right things to say, but somehow getting caught up in the rush of a morning and not quite getting the right words out in just the right way. She won’t have to worry if they all went off into their new environments armed with the message she hoped to deliver….not right now.

Right now the little girl has fought off sleep. She is rubbing her eyes and picking at a new wafer. Mom is yawning. Right now she’d probably like them both to get some rest. But right now she is enjoying her daughter. Maybe she realizes how quickly all this will pass. Maybe she understands how much she will appreciate this moment some day. Maybe she realizes she is sitting among other parents who would give anything to hold their babies in their laps again… or have their children with them on this flight. Right now.

Baby has droopy eyes. Sleep will have its victory soon. But she is managing to smile through it right now. Logan and Jaden and Dillon are off facing new challenges and learning to handle their new experiences. They are focused on the events of their days. But as they go, whether they realize it or not, they remain in my and Kendra’s hearts and minds. Not only today, but every day…. and especially right now.

Thanks for coming along for the ride….

Kiss your kids

I was sitting one evening at the kitchen table  following up on emails and checking data when I got the call from the living room. Jaden and Dillon were lying on the floor about to watch a show, and Jaden gave the order. He popped up from in front of the couch and gave the patented furrowed brow, lowered head, raised eyed-scowl and stated firmly, “Dad, stop working!” Well then. I knew this was no time to argue. I took my place on the floor and ultimately lost myself in their world of imagination and goofiness. I love that they will call me out when I’m spending too much time on things that matter too little. I hope that they continue to care enough to do it… but more importantly, I am working to keep it in mind enough so they don’t have to. In order to assist myself to that end, I decided to add a sub list to number 10 so I can be mindful of the things that help make the time the time worth spending…

10a. building Legos… watching their minds work as they contemplate new creations, seeing the breakthrough moments, helping them apply different approaches to building, and seeing the pride in their accomplishments…fantastic

10b. playing Wii… the new Super Mario Bros. is an addiction (but not the cause of my hiatus). working with Logan, Jaden, and Dillon to conquer the levels and locate the secret passages provides many opportunities for providing constructive support and demonstrating patience with one another… i used the word “opportunities”, we have some work to do (myself included). Wii boxing with Jaden (nasty right hook); Wii baseball with Dillon (still can’t hit his sinker); Guitar Heroes with Logan (loves to show his skills on “Story of my life”); and Ethan, he is still at the age where he is fairly content holding the controller while we convince him he is either helping us out or is playing the role of an uncontrollable character in the game (e.g. Red Toad in Super Mario)

10c. reading books… Ethan is a Sandra Boynton fanatic, as were his brothers before him… and i cannot recall a day in the past few weeks where either Kendra or i (or both several times) have not read “A fly went by” to him. he gets so involved; acting out the words or chiming in on his favorite parts… it is always an active event. 

10d. talking… love to hear their thoughts on anything. they all have brilliant minds.

10e. vacations…they are great road trippers… even when i added 2 hours to our return trip from San Diego because i went on a snipe hunt to find them a funnel cake stand (which we never found) and then missed our exit to the freeway because we were too busy talking about how insane it was that we drove all over the city only to find an abandoned office in an industrial park that looked like it might have been the headquarters of a funnel cake company at one time. but on the plus side, they did get to see Mexico, or at least they would have if they had looked up from their video games. 

10f. anything…doing anything with them, even if it’s doing nothing, is time well spent. Got to love that face time…

Thanks for coming along for the ride…

It was impossible to be around her and not enjoy yourself. I would come home from work some days and she and Kendra would be in tears from laughing so hard. They could find humor in anything. They called me once when I was out of town on travel to give me the blow-by-blow account of how they were ridding the backyard of rodents. The alternating screams and eruptions of laughter created quite the image in my mind. I’m sure my mental film footage did no justice to the actual scene unfolding on our lawn. Although I can’t right now, I know I’ll smile about that again for years to come. She was so selfless…She helped us paint to help our house feel like our home… and even though she hated to do it, when it was time for us to move, she helped us pack our home and prepare the house for the next family. I will remember her in that way. Always the friend. Always ready to lend a hand in whatever way necessary.

She was great with the boys. It’s sad that all we’ll ever have for them to see now are pictures… and she never got to meet Ethan. But all our “what-ifs” and “could haves” fail to compare to the pain and the void that her husband and their daughter are dealing with right now. This year would have been 20 years for those two. That is so rare, and so special… and her daughter… her daughter was her world. She truly embraced every moment of motherhood. She even took a part time job at her daughter’s school to be able to spend more time near her and be available during off school hours. Those two people who love her and need her are devastated today… and for that our hearts are broken. They are missing a very special person. She was amazing… I wish you could have met her. You would have loved her.

Please pray for our friends…

Kiss your kids.

1. laughter… our children’s laughter. the genuine expression of happiness that is represented by this is unmatched. all four of the boys have a certain laugh about them when they just give in to hilarity of the moment that just makes me smile to think about. and i love the little sigh at the end

2. random calls from the wife throughout the day…one of my favorite things in life is that i get to have the vicarious experiences of Kendra’s daily adventures with the boys. i love to hear about where they are, what they’ve done, what they’re doing, and what their reaction is to it all. i like listening to the background noise and hearing all the activity… some days it’s laughter, some days it’s crying, and some days it is absolute madness. i like to use the background noise and the level of exasperation in Kendra’s voice as a measure of how quickly i need to start shutting down and packing up for home (there is rarely ever any… so when i hear it, i know it’s been a seriously hectic day).  some of the best advice i have ever received came from a guy i interviewed with shortly after having the twins. he was a father of two sets of twins a couple years apart. he told me how his wife would always seem to call when he was right in the middle of something at work to talk about some random topic or another. he said it took him a little while to realize that she needed those conversations so she could just recharge and connect with him throughout the day. talking to an adult about even the most random of topics did a lot to restore her sanity. he came to understand that the little moments of support went a long way, and it gave him a window into their day that he would otherwise not have had. i have tried to keep that in mind.

3. baby breath… enjoy it while you can. it changes. fast.

4. trampolines… so much to say on this topic… i may have to dedicate some posts to this alone

5. windows into their world… i love when they initiate chance conversations about whatever is on their mind – story characters, video game plots, puzzles, Star Wars, music, bizarre hypothetical situations…anything. if they can’t talk to you about the little things, they won’t come talk to you about the big things.

6. helpers… sons jumping up on the counter to help make pancakes or help Kendra bake cookies…helping me load the chimney to start the coals for the grill… even the tiniest of effort for the smallest amount of time

7. bikes… i love the forward motion and the sensation of gliding along. riding bikes was one of the first activities Logan and i did together. we still head out occasionally. i put training wheels on Jaden’s old bike for Ethan. he was in Heaven.

8. friends… ours and theirs. i enjoy watching them interact with their friends. there is nothing quite like the chaos and destruction that can be ushered forth like a pack of 6 year-olds. beautiful. i can only hope they all grow up and go their separate ways so they can remember what good times they had and how much they meant to one another… somehow that realization doesn’t seem to set in any other way. maybe their generation will figure out how to appreciate what they have while they still have it. i’m still trying to learn.

9. chocolate milk… because it’s all about the spoon

10. time… maximize the time that exists rather than using that time to complain about the time that doesn’t. i was reminded recently that children only have one childhood… so true, and it flies by swiftly. do what you can to make the most of it. these slices of time are precious…i try to keep in mind that i want the last interaction i had with each of my sons to be one i won’t regret him remembering.

…to be continued. Thanks for coming along for the ride!

The boys will have a new teacher. Life has called Mr. and Mrs. Robbins away to North Carolina. Mr. Robbins went ahead early. Mrs. Robbins stayed until the break. Then Jaden and Dillon had to say goodbye for now…and so did we. Our family forged a strong relationship with Mr. and Mrs. Robbins. We’ve been on the inside of that moving van several times. Now we’re the ones standing in the street waving and watching the taillights disappear over the horizon. It hurts like hell to drive away, but it sure feels hopeless standing there watching the van pull away. We haven’t lost a friend. But we’ve certainly lost an ally. I tell myself that part of this was inevitable, really. The boys would have graduated from 1st grade in a few months and moved on to 2nd grade.They would’ve met a new teacher and adjusted to the new environment. Kendra and I will still need to engage with that teacher and stay involved in the classroom. We would still have to create a new ally. That’s what I say. But that doesn’t really cover it, and the boys are losing more than a teacher.

Mrs. Robbins was part of their everyday world. She would come over to the house and watch shows with Kendra. She would listen intently to them as they described (in great detail) their adventures in Lego Star Wars and Indiana Jones games over dinner. She even jumped with them on the trampoline! This is significant. Invitations onto the trampoline are typically extended to dads (men) because the boys feel we can make them jump higher. Outside of Kendra, Mrs. Robbins is only the 2nd woman to have a standing invitation to jump with them. Point being, if you are not a dad and they want you on the trampoline, it is because they think you are fun and they like having you around. Some people’s love Language is Physical Touch, other people’s Love Language is Words of Affirmation. Jaden’s and Dillon’s Love Language is Trampoline.

Our boys are not the only kids in the class to feel this way. So many of them have personal connections with Mrs. Robbins. There were many sad faces and wet little eyes when the announcement was made. Mr. Robbins was a very unpopular man that day. But change is change. We find the positives and manage it the best way we can. The miles are there between us. So we stay in touch. Jaden and Dillon will play and enjoy the rest of their Spring Break…the boys have made note of the fact that Mr. and Mrs. Robbins will be visiting during the last week of school. Maybe they’ll be driving a van.

Thanks for coming along for the ride… Kiss your kids!

I pushed our loot to the register and Kendra walked off with Ethan in search of some gum. The woman at the checkout counter noticed them and asked if she could help locate what they were seeking. I let her know their agenda, and she advised me that sadly, they did not carry gum.  I braced myself for the disappointment, and called out to Kendra to let her know.  Ethan looked up with a slightly alarmed expression (gum has become somewhat of a “problem” for him). The lady, who could not have been nicer, saw Ethan’s face. She said she might have some gum on her, and reached into her smock. She produced a pack of gum. It was still in the cellophane wrapper. She smiled kindly at Ethan and offered him the first piece from her personal stash (while this was exceedingly kind, this type of stuff just has to stop. I am about 98% sure he believes the world and everyone in it exists purely for his entertainment and amusement. My parents do nothing to help this condition either… but I digress).

Ethan was satisfied. He rewarded his faithful servant with an Ethan smile while playfully tucking his chin, lifting his outward shoulder slightly, and turning his head inward toward his mom in a semi-bashful pose. He gave a whispered “thank you” to raise the cuteness meter a little more, then turned his gaze away from her so he could fully concentrate on enjoying his gum. Ethan was ready for a second piece by the time she was done scanning our items. He looked at his gift giver as he swallowed the gum. He turned to Kendra, “More. More gum momma.” Kendra told him there was no more and that we might try to find some later. Ethan turned back to the woman helping us, “More”. He had spoken. She began to reach  into her smock when Kendra whisked him out of the store reminding him again that he was done for now but maybe we’d find some later. I thanked the kind lady again and took our purchases outside.

There it was: the little black sanding sponge. I’d forgotten we even picked it up, and I didn’t remember it being scanned. We decided on a package of sandpaper instead, so we didn’t even need that sponge. Kendra checked the receipt…not there. I didn’t want to deal with it. The thing didn’t cost more than 2 or 3 dollars anyway. It was right there in the basket, so I am not even sure how she missed it. Ethan was being squirmy now. He needed to be changed. We needed lunch. We still had things to do. I held it for a moment… looked at it, looked back at the store. Ethan looked at me curiously. I tossed the little black sanding sponge into the back of the vehicle along with everything else. Ethan was standing in the cart, so I took him with me to return the cart to the store.

I was expecting a fight with my conscience, but it was eerily silent. It was like the silence from your parents when you feel like you are too old to be scolded. When you know you’re wrong, and they know you know you’re wrong… but they just give you the look. They don’t say anything. You expect the lecture; you want the argument. But they just stand there looking at you… saying nothing. It’s that loud silence. There’s no need for words. I looked at Ethan. He looked at me.

We got back to the parking space. I handed Ethan to Kendra then grabbed the little black sanding sponge. Kendra offered to change Ethan while I returned it. I walked back in to the store and gave the item to a different woman working at the returns counter. She smiled and shook my hand. It seemed ridiculous that she would be so appreciative of me returning something worth less than a few dollars. Then it seemed more ridiculous that I initially balked at returning it in the first place; even when I had to walk back to the store to return the cart.

Kendra and Ethan were buckled in and ready to go when I got back. We pulled out of the parking space and Kendra began to drive off. I noticed it out of the corner of my eye, “Wait!”. Kendra stopped abruptly. I looked over to the parking space we had just left. Ethan’s right shoe was sitting in the space. Kendra had been on a mission for those shoes, and finally found them a few weeks ago. Even after she found them, it was no small feat to finally get them. I will just state that losing that shoe would not have been a good thing. I turned and looked at his toes wiggling in his sock. I hopped out to grab the stranded shoe. I had to think it was no accident that I happened to glance and see it… and had I not returned the little black sanding sponge, I would have to think it would be no accident if I had suddenly misplaced his shoe.

I slid his shoe back on…he looked at me and gave me the Ethan smile, and I couldn’t hear the silence any more. There are no small tests.

Thanks for coming along for the ride…

Kendra and I were floored… this was our first confrontation with this type of situation, and it really hit us out of nowhere (as these things do). We needed to react, but we needed our reaction to be appropriate to the circumstance. Fortunately, we had a little time to discuss our approach and gain some perspective rather than needing to follow through with our initial emotional responses. We started to focus on the potential reason’s why this event happened rather than just the event itself. We began to realize that we were dealing with the actions and decisions of a 14 year old boy, and all the confusion, clumsiness, and insecurities that accompany that. We realized that this was an opportunity for an awakening… for a lesson in accountability…an eye-opening opportunity for growth.  It brought to mind one of my own “wake-up” events. I remembered feeling alone and out of control… that no one would understand… that there would be no way back to redemption. We didn’t want to introduce hopelessness to the situation, so when I met with Logan, one of the first things I did was tell him my story.

I was about his same age… It was summertime in Albuquerque and my friend Marque and I were bored. We were lazing around his apartment when the notion struck us to visit our friend Eric. He didn’t live too far away, but the walk to his house was all uphill and it was very warm that afternoon. We thought about riding our bikes, but the same conditions made riding an unattractive option. Eventually, one of us brought up the idea of taking Marque’s mother’s car. She was upstairs asleep since she worked nights, and wouldn’t need the car. Marque was 16 and a licensed driver. I was 14 and had logged several hours at TNT Go-Carts… not exactly the same thing. But, I wanted to be cool and pull into Eric’s driveway behind the wheel. So I begged Marque to let me drive. He didn’t want any of his neighbors to see me pulling his mom’s car out, so he agreed to pull over and let me drive once we got to the park (City View).  Yep, here we go.

The streets east of the park get fairly steep, and I was having trouble keeping the speed of the car consistent. I started to mash the accelerator to prevent the urk and jerk motion, but failed to release it when I took the final left and right turns of that voyage. A family was crossing the street a few houses up the block. I was coming around the turn pretty quickly, and I panicked. I pulled the wheel hard to the right, lifted my foot off the gas, and mashed down as hard as I could on what I thought would be the brakes. It wasn’t the brakes.

We sped toward the curb; then up the curb and through some hedges; then onto the lawn and toward the house. The people looking out their front window looked about as surprised as I was to see us barreling toward them. Somehow, we stopped. I remember lifting my feet up after we went over the curb, but I’m not sure how me finally came to a stop. I think Marque might have slid across the bench seat to step on the brakes. I just remember feeling foolish and not knowing what to say.  One of the residents came flying out of the house and was banging on my window. He was screaming something, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I rolled the window down and kept staring ahead. I remember him reaching in the car and turning off the engine.

The police came. I remember the homeowner being very upset and wanting to know what charges he could press. He was screaming and being very animated, and I remember looking at the house next door and realizing where I was and thinking, “Oh yeah, Vicky Roe lives there. Damn.”, as they were putting me in the back of the police car. I have never felt more cut off from the world… and the humiliation of having your friends seeing you like that… that lingers.

Eventually, Marque got to take his mom’s car home, and somehow word got to my friend Jay who drove by on his motorcycle and gave me a ride back home. The souvenirs from my trip? A $180.00 ticket, a promise of a follow-up call to my home regarding the damage to the property, and 6 points off of a driver’s license that I didn’t yet possess. I could’ve taken out a family, I put my friend in a bad position with his mother, could’ve damaged her car severely, ruined someone’s yard, got a ticket I couldn’t pay, and became an insurance liability for my parents before they even needed to have me on the coverage. The outlook was bleak.

I went to my brother, as I tended to do when I found myself in precarious situations, but the remedy for this one fell directly on me. He helped me come to terms with the fact I had to man up and come clean and face whatever music was in the cards.  I had an uncomfortable conversation with my dad that evening when he came home from work. Things were pretty day-to-day for the next few weeks. But, I paid my consequences and worked off my debts, and eventually, I saw the opportunity to grow that was wrapped around that situation. Our hope for Logan was to shorten the distance between the event and the realization of the opportunity. He has fences to mend and he has consequences to reap. But I am hoping the understanding that I am familiar with his path and that I understand where he is coming from will keep him from feeling isolated and strange through all this. The remedies we’ve designed should help address why he did what he did…and we are here to support him through it all.

So, we will see… I had to hit snooze a few times before I finally heard the alarm clearly. Let’s hope this tune rings loudly.

Thanks for coming along for the ride…