Through a Father's Eyes

Ethan knows right from wrong. It has been an interesting few days watching the battle of good vs. evil wage within the mind of this two year old boy. I’ve tried to stay on the sidelines and not interfere too much with his sorting process, but let’s face it… I’ve got a vested interest in seeing this thing turn out the right way. So, I nudge and prod and influence as I can. Enough to guide him, but not so much that he doesn’t feel like the conclusions he is drawing are his own. Manipulation? No way! I like to think of it as actively facilitating the learning process (Okay, I did play the Santa card one time, but it isn’t like you think).

Lately, Ethan will appear out of nowhere walking oddly… his chin tucked into his chest with his eyes raised barely high enough to see where he is going. He’ll be hunched over with a slight tilt to one side with his arms crossed or hands folded over a hip. Or, he will come streaking past inexplicably and try to avoid your line of sight. Once, he darted behind the Christmas tree and peeked out with his eyes bright and wide with “nothing to see here!” expression on his face. You know; inconspicuous things like that.

The first incident that stood out to me was with his new art easel. I had opened a box of chalk and placed a single pack in the chalk tub of his easel. Ethan wanted a second pack as well. Only one pack fit at a time, and the packs contained the same color chalk, so I told him no and put the chalk away. I leave for a few minutes and come back to see what Jaden and Dillon are up to, and I see Ethan standing behind the chalkboard side of his easel almost fully doubled over. At first I thought something might be wrong with him, but then it became very obvious that he was trying to keep me from seeing him. I stood still, and after a few seconds he peeked up to see if I was still there. His head rolled back and his big brown eyes appeared from behind the curls. He startled a bit and then flashed a sly smile. He remained bent over a bit and kept his arms folded over his chalk.

“Ethan, what do you have?”

“No daddy!”

“Ethan.”

“No daddy. My chalk!”

My first thought was just to grab the chalk from him and put it away in a higher location but I wasn’t sure that was going to result in any lesson other than “I am stronger than you” which I am pretty sure he had established. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to laugh or raise my voice, but watching his physical response to the situation made me opt for the lighter path. I decided to tell him why I only put one packet of chalk in the tub. I let him know that he could keep that pack of chalk and I would put the other pack back in the box since it was his new gift and I didn’t give him a chance to pick which chalk he wanted to use first. He knew he was doing something that he probably shouldn’t have and his behavior indicated that. I let it go at that. He put the chalk in the bin and I returned the other packet to the box… which was somehow lying in the middle of the pantry… and placed it in a much more secure location.

We’ve had a few more incidents since then… mainly involving candy canes… but each time, we are measured in our reactions. If it is something he didn’t ask for, he needs to ask and he may or may not get whatever it is. If it is something he asked for and was told no, he loses it immediately. So far, he has willingly relinquished whatever he has been found to have and is doing it more as playful gesture now than as an act of deviousness. He is pushing the envelope and exploring his boundaries. The reaction he gets when he does what he is not supposed to is simple correction and redirection. There isn’t a lot of emotion and animation. There is no fun in him trying to elicit that response. He sees that the main reaction he gets from us is laughter when he does those things in a silly manner and praise when he does things well so that is what he likes to recreate. I would rather he become accustomed to my laughter and smile than to the sound of my anger.

I really credit Kendra with us taking this approach… that wasn’t the approach my brother and I experienced, and it wasn’t what I came to the table willing or ready to try right off. I had a hard time when we started doing this type of thing with Jaden and Dillon. I really didn’t feel the need to explain myself to my kids when I told them not to do something. It seemed ridiculous to talk through the rationale behind my actions or decisions. But, when I started to do that, I realized that I really didn’t have any rationalization behind a lot of my “rules” and that I was just enforcing things for the sake of having control over things I didn’t really need to control. They have responded well with the trust we’ve placed in them and I think it has helped me be a better parent. We draw lines where lines need to be drawn, and they don’t have to make judgments about which rules are the really important ones and which ones they can break.

It isn’t easy. I continually struggle with maintaining that focus; especially if I am tired or stressed out. But those are the times when it is probably most important that I stay consistent. I have slipped, but I’ve also apologized when I approached a situation in a way I shouldn’t have. That is never fun… but I know the boys appreciate it. Being a man is not about being perfect, but it is about accountability and growth. I can’t expect them to honor a code or an ideal that I cannot model for them, and I don’t want them to feel like it’s not okay to make mistakes. We celebrate our successes… when we make mistakes, we own them, learn from them, and move along… nothing to see here.

Thanks for coming along for the ride…