Through a Father's Eyes

We were out looking for a few items one evening and ended up at Target. The kids were tired and we just wanted to get in and out quickly so I decided to run in to the store to pick up the few things we needed. I grabbed a red basket and made my way to the far end of the store to retrieve my goods. When I arrived at my desired aisle, as often happens I noticed a few more things that I could not do without. One of my impulse items was an 24-pack of Vitamin Water, to which I had become recently addicted. I noticed quickly that it would not fit in my red basket. I set the basket down and made a few attempts at stacking my selections in a way that would allow me to carry them all back to the front of the store. I had several close calls at dropping everything, but was finally able to stand up, turn around, and make my way out of the aisle. As I was leaving the section, I noticed an empty shopping cart. It was sitting casually by a candy display and I had not noticed it when I entered the aisle. I looked around and no one seemed to belong to it. I thought about setting everything down and pushing the cart to the registers, but I chose not to and struggled on. I managed to make it most of the way down a major aisle toward the front of the store (I had now almost  traveled the length of the store and was in view of the turn that would take me the width of the store to the registers) when I noticed another solitary cart off to the side. I looked around and again could not identify anyone who might have been using it. I set my burdens down into the cart and pushed on. As I made my way toward the check out stands, it struck me that God is often there inviting me to lay my burdens down and give my troubles to Him. I drew a parallel between this instance and the challenges we had been facing in our life… We have been stressing over moving, over the arrival of our newest child, over little things, big things…everything. That trip into the store reminded me that He does not give up on me even when I pass up his offer for help. He just provides another opportunity…

I felt compelled to share this story… It seems a lesson I have to relearn from time to time. Our boys are entering different milestones of independence now. Logan is entering adolescence and will be faced with many new choices and situations that he will have to manage. Jaden and Dillon are expressing individuality and the desire to do “big boy” things more frequently and consistently. Our offerings for help will go unaccepted quite often I am sure… but we will have to remain patient and allow them to recognize that we are there for them when they need us and we will not force our support. It will be difficult to see them struggle with things that I could easily make better for them or show them how to do differently. It will be very difficult to watch them fail knowing I could have interfered or offered some assistance. But when they do come for help, we won’t mention the times we could have helped in the past… we will only do what we can and continue to offer our love and support… and keeping this perspective, I think I have some things to go set down.

Thanks for coming along for the ride…. Kiss your kids!

I awoke today with a wide range of emotions… I knew going to sleep last night that it would be the final night that I would go to bed wondering about the status and condition of our developing child. Today would bring answers to many questions, and would potentially bring additional questions or concerns. We were scheduled to have an amniocentesis to bring clarity to some concerns based on some disturbing test results we had recently received. There had been some growing sense of ease over the past couple days as news from the doctor’s office changed. But, the inconsistency of what we were being told did not assuage the concerns that the original news created. The amnio was to be our final grasp for sanity and also a foolproof peek at the sex of the baby. So… I was very excited to finally know the sex one way or another… and I was dually nervous about going through the amnio process. Not because I was overly concerned about the results of the test, but because of the process itself and my desire to maintain Kendra’s and the baby’s health. There are risks associated with the process and our preference was to avoid going down that path if possible.

The day began early… Jaden strolled in around 6 am (instead of his usual 7:30) and the routine picked up from there. We got an unusually early start for the appointment and ended up going to Costco for a stroll before hand to let them get some energy out for our sake and the sake of anyone else who would be in the general vicinity of the Dr.’s office. The plan worked perfectly until the final few minutes… the early rise and the semi-long drive to overland park made for some cranky twins… Dillon and Jaden had a blowout over R2-D2 (a Star Wars addiction that will have to be explained in another blog… or 2) and the wheels came off. We were able to escape without incident or injury but we were a few minutes away from a crucial appointment with the genetic counselor and a subsequent ultrasound. Dillon was fine (he was in possession of the R2) and was looking forward to going into the appointment. We didn’t want to send just him in there with her, so Kendra and I were working out a strategy that would have me remain in the car with the combatants while she went in and communicated with me via quick phone calls and text messages when Jaden came to the decision that it was time to let go of the R2 thing and play with baby Yoda instead and calmed down(again…long story).

We had a terrific genetic counselor… I can’t do justice in this text to the patience and compassion of this man. He had the Lawrence Drs fax the test results over to him so he could see the levels they discussed with us and stepped through each of the risks associated with every score. We walked out of that room feeling great about the health of our baby and knowing we could avoid the risks of the amnio. He covered every point of concern that Kendra had and discussed family history while the boys were playing on the couch and strumming the fan cage like a banjo…briefly. He even posed for a picture Jaden took of him with my phone.  The phone turned out to be a great distraction… we have several fine photographs of the couch, the pictures on the wall, some carpet, what I believe is an index finger, and a picture of the twins taking a picture of themselves in the mirror.

The ultrasound went great! Jaden and Dillon watched with great interest as the Dr looked over the various body parts… they called out the parts they recognized, asked tons of questions, and were completely engaged in the process. When we got to the boy parts and proclaimed Ethan Sawyer was indeed on board (a moment of silence for Chastity Virginia…) Dillon exclaimed,”We will be his friends!” (they refer to each other as a “friend” rather than a brother or twin, so this was a powerful statement from Dillon). Jaden, tired of leaving the appointments empty handed, said as we walked out of the ultrasound room, “next time we come here, we will take him out of there (mom’s tummy)”.

We called Logan in Arizona with the news… he was glad to hear the baby was healthy but had been holding out for a girl… understandably, he has had a healthy dose of little brothers and was looking for a change. However, he did provide his blessing and is welcoming his new little brother into the fold… “as long as he is not twins”… I assured him he was not. We checked. Many times. Seriously.

On the way out of the office, big brother to be Jaden paused at the receptionist desk and addressed the woman on the other side. “Ethan!” he shouted to her and smiled and walked away… another friend for the family.

 Thanks for coming along for the ride… kiss your kids!

Two weeks away from taking another ultrasound peek at our developing baby… it is incredible to think that in a few months that child will be on the outside and adding to the love/chaos/excitement/stress/animation/noise/activity that already exists in our house of five. With all the stress of work and trying to keep the house presentable for potential buyers and keeping the kids engaged and productively occupied, Kendra and I absolutely collapse at the end of each day. As much as I am looking forward to our new baby, I am often equally terrified of the prospect of expanding the family. Once again, we find ourselves standing at the edge of change…. next steps are obscured and what lies ahead is difficult to discern. We can only have faith that when we take the next step through the fog we will find firm footing… and it is exciting to be this overjoyed and be this scared at the same time!

It’s like standing in line to ride that roller-coaster for the first time… you hear the shrieks and screams of those ahead of you and you’re not really sure what to expect… you see people survive the ride and get off, and some even come back to ride again… when it’s your turn, you sit down, strap in, and hold on.  There are moments you lose your breath, moments you scream out loud, moments you want to close your eyes and wish you were back on the ground, and moments when you are grinning ear to ear. The best part is, with kids, the ride is never the same… the down side is, as I am finding out, it seems to go by just as quickly.

I think back to when it was just Logan, Kendra, and me… life was full and days were packed. It didn’t seem possible that the curious little boy I knew would grow into the creative young man he is becoming. It does not seem long ago when Logan was tearing up and down the street in his Big Wheel or boldly demanding his training wheels be removed from his bike. I still vividly remember the day he said goodbye to his life preserver at the apartment swimming pool when he saw another little boy his age swimming without one. He decided then that he would always be one to shine… that light still glows in him… I can’t wait to see that light in full shine!

Thinking back even further when I ventured out into the “real world” and set out for Phoenix in search of a career, I had no idea what a blessing was in store for me in Logan and Kendra. In a blink, we went from three to five…now Logan is on the cusp of adolescence, Jaden and Dillon are nearing Kindergarten age, and baby #4 is rounding the turn. We have had no shortness of twists and turns or loop the loops, but all in all, we continue to enjoy the ride. I have no idea what the next step will bring. God continues to bless us in ways we could not imagine… so I stand here terrified, overjoyed, listening to the symphony of emotions of those that ride ahead of me… and look forward to taking this ride one more time.

Kiss your kids!