Through a Father’s Eyes

Every night, shortly after returning downstairs from our bedtime rituals with the boys (Jaden and Dillon), we hear the thunderous bumps and bangs associated with boys jumping down from bunk beds or doing somersaults into the furniture. After several trips up and down the stairs to negotiate terms of sleep, the commotion eventually dies down and they succumb to exhaustion…usually. Sometimes, as was the case a few nights ago, the boys will lay awake and talk; discussing topics ranging from constellations to trampoline maneuvers to basic philosophy. Occasionally, they will reach a stalemate and request an opinion from one of us.

I was in a muddled state of mind the other night, trying to think through a few issues and get myself ready for a business trip the next day. The commotion upstairs had died down and I figured they had gone to sleep. I was heading up to our room to pack my bag, and I was met by Jaden coming out of his room “Dad?” he asked with a very serious Jaden expression. “Does Heaven have sparkly walls?” We stood on the landing and discussed the possibility for a few moments, and I agreed that it made sense that the walls in Heaven could sparkle. He retreated back into his bedroom, and I carried on being preoccupied. About 20 minutes later, another call came from the bedroom. “Mom…” Jaden and Dillon came out of their room as we arrived at the bottom of the stairs. “Mom, do you assume that Heaven has sparkly walls?” Jaden asked from the top of the stairs as Dillon stood behind in the doorway (Jaden is the official spokesman for post-bedtime discussion topics). “Dillon thinks they should be cloud walls.” My half-hearted engagement in the earlier conversation was clearly obvious – they  escalated to mom. Being the forgiving children they are, they did allow me to rejoin the conversation and we held court on the stairs at 10:00 having a wonderful conversation about a topic that would never have occurred to me to consider. 

I sometimes forget how imaginative and intelligent children can be, and how far reaching those traits often are. Moments like these are a great reminder of that and of how much of their environment they consume and have to process internally. It is so cool that they have one another to work through these things with on a peer to peer level. Even cooler, is that they still want to share those thoughts with us. I am glad my son was not discouraged by my initial interaction with him, and I embrace this lesson to fight through my distractions in order to nurture their thirst for knowledge. Inspiration and curiosity do not always follow daylight schedules. We decided that the walls in Heaven could be sparkly and made of clouds, and that in some places one or the other. But that night, from my vantage point, they were dry-wall with light brown paint.

Imagination is a curious and powerful thing. As adults, I think we tend to lean toward “creativity” as a substitute. It implies imagination and does not seem to have close association with that childish term “fantasy”. It feels “artistic”. It sounds mature. I consider myself to be “creative”. I have identified “innovative” solutions. In fact, both words appear in my job description. But, when I lay down in the floor the other day to play Legos with Jaden, I realized just how far creativity is from imagination. I see imagination as a mental muscle. If it is not nurtured, it will surely atrophy. As a kid I used it all the time. Today I see it being fully exercised in our boys. Logan has bins full of Legos and could create the most incredible spaceships, vehicles, robots, or weapons with very little effort and without a template or guide. He now devours books, writes occasionally, and is very much into activities that require the suspension of disbelief. Ethan drives cars and flies planes all over the house and likes to go outside at night to say goodnight to the moon and stare up at the stars.  His little mind is soaking up all the possible impossibilities, and I can’t wait to see what develops. Jaden and Dillon will sit and paint pictures and sceneries for hours on whatever canvas is available – paper plates, printer paper, etc. – and take photos from very interesting perspectives. They have created a race of Lego people and are constantly tinkering with those toys, constructing whatever comes to mind. 

I stared into the pile of Legos for a good 20 minutes before I even reached for a single piece. Jaden had built and destroyed several figures in that time. I watched him as he scanned the pile and would reach for a few and consider each while quickly assembling the desired pieces and letting the others fall. Logan had a similar approach. He would begin with a few pieces and then let it develop into his final creation. It was like he wasn’t always sure what he was going to make until he held the final product in his hand… like his imagination guided him along the path and let him know when he had arrived.

I felt a familiar sensation in my mind as I came across a square piece with an axle and two wheels on it. Imagination was stirring… more pieces came to mind… I had an image of a finished product. Jaden watched me raking through the pile with what appeared to be a satisfied grin on his face as he continued to build. Finally, my creation was complete. I offered it to Jaden for his approval. Dillon came in to join us and saw what I made. He grabbed it and the argument over who would get to use it began. Success! My imagination produced a toy worthy of contention… I hadn’t lost it completely – yet. I quickly made another one, and will be adding this exercise to my schedule with my personal trainers.

We charged into 2009 with a trip that will hopefully become our annual tradition… the Escape to Flagstaff! The idea was to get out of town for a couple days and head up north to play in the snow. It was a spontaneous desire that struck us after we heard what a great time some friends of ours had the week before. I had some points earned for a free hotel stay, so we thought it would be a great idea to just grab the kids, load the sleds in the Pilot, and head up to the mountains for one last break before I headed back to work and the kids headed back to school. We made our plans on Thursday: on Saturday morning we would get up early, leave the 70 + degree weather in the Valley, make the 2.5 hr drive to the snow, get in a few hours of play, retire to the hotel, and then do it all over again before coming back home. We took inventory of our winter gear and found that we were missing a few key items for the younger boys. We were able to put together some options for Ethan, but the twins had outgrown their Kansas gear, and we had given other items away. Kendra went out Thursday and Friday in search of snow boots and gloves for Jaden and Dillon: no such luck. All she could find were a slew of cotton gloves that we could use in a pinch to keep their hands warm… at least until they got wet. “No problem”, we said. “We will get up early on Saturday as planned and just stop off at a sporting goods store along the way.” At worst, we figured, we would pick something up when we got to Flagstaff… surely there would be winter gear there.

Saturday morning. We backed out of the driveway at the crack of ten o’clock. Confident that we would find our remaining snow accessories quickly at the sporting goods store down the road and still be on the mountain after lunch. Four hours and 5 sporting goods stores later, we found ourselves making the final ascent into the rugged mountain city of Flagstaff…without the winter gear. As I internally rationalized the fact that a Phoenix-area sporting store would not have winter outfitting in December, I became distracted by the silence that suddenly overtook the car. I looked back and saw the boys staring out the windows at the wispy white clouds that had come circling in to meet us. They made a cotton-candy layer that hovered just above the cars and twirled slowly around as if to gaze curiously back at the children in the cars staring wondrously at them. Through the veil of clouds rose the ponderosa pine trees dusted with snow. I rolled down my window to take in the clean mountain air and add to the effect of the children’s fascination. The 36 degree (and dropping) temperature reminded me quickly that we were no longer in the Valley and we had, indeed, found winter… but stopping at the stores in town, we found that we still could not locate boots or gloves for our children… seriously. Under outfitted but undaunted, the children begged us to press on.

The excitement in the backseats grew as we bounded further up into the mountain highway toward our sledding destination. The curious clouds outside of town gave way to a stouter set of grey white clouds that appeared to be held aloft by the spiny ponderosas. The clouds initially sprinkled frozen rain on us, which gave way to balls of hail, and eventually, flakes of snow. As we climbed higher in elevation, the pine trees became more dense, and stretched higher into the clouds. The branches of the trees were now heavily laden with snow. Every so often there was evidence of a branch or a sapling that succumbed to the weight of the snowy load, but the sturdy ponderosas largely held their posts and bore their loads handsomely. We drove past snowed in ranch houses set in yawning mountain valleys, and homes with icicles so large they seemed to be posing as stalactites. At every clearing the boys insisted we should stop and break out the sleds. They had all handled themselves quite well during the many detours and fruitless searches, but the anticipation was about to overtake them. Just ahead, the sign for the turnoff into the Wing Mountain snow play area came into view.

We made our way down the bumpy road toward the parking area. After about 200 yards, we came to a halt. There was a line of cars ahead of us and no one seemed to be moving. The time was nearing 2:30 by now, and the park closed at 4. We decided to get everyone as prepared as we could while we sat in the line waiting. As Kendra was getting the final few items for everyone out of the back of the Pilot, she overheard a conversation between the truck behind us and an exiting vehicle. Apparently, from where we sat in line, there was at least another 40 minute wait to get into the parking lot because the place was at capacity and several cars had to leave prior to others being let in. Kendra recalled an area we passed on the way up to the mountain near our hotel that had a hill with kids sledding. The boys were quickly sold on the idea of going somewhere else to sled immediately rather than sitting in line to only have a few minutes to play in the snow. We turned ourselves around and bumped our way back to the highway heading into town. The trip had been peaceful to that point, exceptionally so, but I knew I had to be on borrowed time.

We made it down the highway without incident, and as we stopped at the traffic light that would lead us toward downtown – a moment happened. The snow that had been falling broke momentarily then gave way to giant flakes of downy snow that floated toward us as if they had been unzipped from the clouds. Jaden rolled his window down and stretched his arms out as far as he could reach; his palms extended flat to provide safe landing for the pokey snowflakes. Dillon quickly followed suit and the snowflakes readily accepted the invitation into the car. Ethan was wide-eyed, mouth agape, and head drifting left and right…completely awestruck by the invading snow. Elation slowly gave way to frustration as Ethan futilely stretched his arms out to embrace the snowflakes. He pressed his little body against the shoulder restraints and tried in vain to snatch the little curiosities as they floated through the window toward him only to land on a lap or in the hair of an older brother, stay briefly, then melt away. I turned to look at him, and he was trying his baby best to hold it together but his lip began to quiver and curl as the disappointment of being left out of the fun was becoming too great to bear. I had to do something. It struck me. I reached over and started the moon roof open…an initial puff of snow from the roof dropped in, and then the billowy flakes from the sky poured down as they had through the windows. The opening made a path that led right to Ethan, who shrieked in delight as the first snowflake alit on his fingertips and danced around as is slowly melted. The children’s voices created a chorus of elation as their shrieks and giggles poured out from their seats. Each had an portal to the snow and offered every available limb to the flakes as a landing strip. I was completely taken by the scene of these four boys with mile-wide grins and snow coming in through the top and sides of our vehicle. There was no concern with the cold. There was no concern with the moisture on the interior. There was only our sons and their ability to find such joy in this simple snowfall and in each other’s appreciation for the fun they each were having. One would look to the next and laugh in reaction to the fun he would see his brother having. The few minutes at that intersection seemed to stretch into hours, and even that did not begin to feel like long enough to enjoy it all. Had nothing else gone right that weekend, the experience at that stop light would have been worth any inconvenience that followed.

We eventually shut out the snow and drove on to the hotel. We were informed by the hotel staff of a practice field at the local university that doubled as a sledding hill in the winter. It turned out to be a more than suitable substitute for Wing Mountain as we were able to break in the sleds and play in the snow without the hassle of the larger crowds or the worry of having to experience everything before the park closed. We spent a couple hours at the hill and had a great time. The next morning we headed up to Wing Mountain and conquered all the hills before retiring from all the fun we’d had and finally returning to the warmth of the Valley of the Sun. 2009 was off to a wonderful start…and while we know it won’t be a perfect year, if we continue to find opportunities to laugh and enjoy the little things, we will always have plenty to look back on fondly.

Thanks for coming along for the ride…

It is difficult to describe the events of 2008 without the word chaotic surfacing multiple times. There were plenty of personal lessons from the previous year that I hope to keep fresh in my mind as I begin to face the events of 2009 so I can avoid having to learn (and relearn) them. Last year also brought the hardships associated with the housing market implosion, the crippling of the economy, and the heart wrenching failures of the Dallas Cowboys (ok… maybe this is not on the same scale ). As I look back, though, on the previous year, the things that come readily to mind are the situations involving the new friendships we forged, the existing friendships we strengthened, the beauty we discovered in our old surroundings, and the times spent laughing and crying with family. We celebrated our oldest son’s entrance into his teenage years, sent our “babies” off to Kindergarten, and juggled emotions as our youngest (and last) turned a single digit. So, while this past year served plenty of bitter, it has made the rest all the more sweet.

I came across this story I started a couple years ago when we were living in Kansas… The boys still have retained their mutual advocacy; especially as they have entered Kindergarten. It was nice to recall an example like this… it is easy to forget how quickly they grow.

 So… Jaden and I are in the twins’ room because he is being sent there for aggravated assault on an air circulation device (repeatedly throwing toys at the cieling fan). He is in the midst of trying to explain to me that I cannot control him because he is himself and I am me and he wants to go out of his room and I am being rude because I am not letting him do what he wants to do. Dillon hears his brother’s pleas for release and slinks into the bedroom trying to avert his eyes from mine. He walks slowly over to Jaden and takes him by the hand… then he mutters something to Jaden and both of them attempt to slowly make their way out into the hallway as if this stealth mission was far to clever for me to discover…even as they perpetrate the act before my very eyes. As they crept into the hallway, eyes wide and grinning ear to ear, it was all I could do to not double over in laughter. I composed myself enough to call out their names firmly and redirect Jaden to the bedroom to finish discussing his sentencing. Dillon then tried to screen me off as Jaden made a break for the door… in the end, justice prevailed, but not without a valiant effort from the offending party and his wing man.

Thanks for coming along for the ride… Kiss your kids!

So… I found out recently that my son has a “girlfriend”. My wife was performing her usual taxi duties for the after school pick up and saw the two of them in a warm embrace. They even stole an innocent kiss before they parted ways… Preschoolers these days!

Yes… Little Dillon has emerged as the young Lothario at Little Einstien’s Preschool. On the trampoline the other day he and Jaden told me about a “friendship” they had developed with these two girls in their class. Jaden explained that he and his “best friend” had had been spending their play time together.  Recently, she had played with him during snack time, but ignored him on the playground. He decided that the next day at school he would refuse to play with her during the day as well. Jaden broke down his elaborate plan for exactly how it would all go down when they got outside to play. He ended the day dancing around with a different little girl… Dillon said that his “best friend” told him “I like you” during snack and told Kendra that his friendship with his particular girl is “so into it”; so into it? Seriously? Where does this even come from? I am thinking the Little Einstein school might just give way to the Little Celibate Monk Academy if this trend continues. The birthday party is in a couple weeks, and I am already anticipating the drama. I just know I am going to have to run interference with “Into It”’s dad, provided he survived the coronary.

I am somewhere between slightly amused and somewhat concerned with this development. I mean, Logan broke news of a girlfriend earlier this year, and even confessed to having had one for a short time while we were in Lawrence. I had been anticipating hearing this from him, so my initial reaction was more of “OK, that makes sense… we can monitor this from here”. I knew he was coming of that age and that this would be the next step in his development and we could manage that. Jaden and Dillon will be five in  a couple weeks… this is just a touch earlier than I had anticipated dealing with this. I mean, this is completely out of left field. As recently as a few months ago these two would only answer to the names “Yoda” and ”Only Kenobi”; All of a sudden they are dancing with the girls in the classroom, planning mind game retaliations, and kissing girls goodbye.

As much as I struggle with this, I am SO much happier to be on this side of the line than to have to be the daddy of that little girl who comes home and tells him that she kissed her boyfriend goodbye at preschool that day. I can’t imagine what my reaction to that would be…Come to think of it, yes I can… I may need to have the boys stay home sick a few days… just to give  ”Into It” and her dad some time to work this out on their end, and give me some time to work on that application for the Little Celibate Monk Academy… maybe I can get a deal on the tuition with the two of them… maybe get an advanced placement for Ethan…

Thanks for coming along for the ride; Kiss your kids!

A few weeks ago a buddy and I went out for a bike ride in the hills south of our homes. It was a fairly technical six mile loop through cactus and rock, over sandy riverbeds, and up some gravely inclines. I began the ride with visions of pedalling victoriously up to the peak and gazing out across the valley with a sense of accomplishment and pride. I used to go on rides like this all the time when I was younger… surely it would all come back to me quickly.

A few minutes of burning thighs and several mouthfuls of dust into the ride quickly lowered my expectation to that of merely surviving the trip. It had been years since I had attempted anything as physical as this ride, and every crank of the pedal drove home how young I no longer am. By the time we were midway up the second major incline my arms and legs were burning, I was out of breath and I was doubled over my handlebars desperate for some type of boost or second wind. I looked around at the desert wilderness that enveloped us: cholla cactus, saguaro, wild grass concealing desert rodents and insects, loose rocks and drop-offs, and the silence of the hills was only penetrated by the exaggerated pounding of my heart as I struggled to catch my breath.  We pushed forward… every so often we would stop and try to regroup and curse our path. We came to what we thought would be the halfway point as we encountered more downhill path than up. We began to laugh at how ridiculously we had been behaving about the previous obstacles and congratulated ourselves on making it through. We proclaimed our manliness and vowed to conquer the trail with ease the next time out… and then we came to the big hill.

This section of the trail was not so much an incline as it was an instrument of torture designed to crush a rider’s sense of accomplishment and capability. We somehow managed to push ourselves over the first couple of summits, but each time we would come to the top of a section, the trail would hairpin and climb again, or it would drop down into a sandy riverbed and then climb sharply to a point and gradually wind further upward. Each time we thought we had arrived at our stopping point or pinnacle, the trail moved onward and upward. We were physically and mentally spent.  We had put ourselves down this path and we could not continue on the way we planned. From where we stood, we could see the parking area off in the distance. The terrain prevented us from giving up and setting off in that direction, and we had come too far to merely turn around. Besides that, the road back did not seem any easier than what we hoped would be the short distance ahead. I could not pedal forward; I had no strength. I could not rest on the trail because it was barely wide enough for us to ride through and it was beset by cactus. I leaned against my bike for support.  I quickly started drawing parallels between that hopeless place on the trail and times in my life when I put myself in situations that I needn’t have.  It seems I never have trouble riding myself off into some desperate situation and end up crying out for some intervention. As I straddled my bike and waddled myself the rest of the way up the hill, I began to recall 2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I pondered on this verse as I approached what was ultimately the crest of longest incline. I had definitely been in a place of personal and spiritual weakness and He was taking this opportunity to show me He was there waiting and ready to help me.

The path widened, and it would be mainly downhill from this point. A few other riders passed through casually and waved as did a woman on horseback. Families hiked down below. We had not traversed some impassible stretch of trail. Our lives were not in peril. But, there was wisdom on that trail that afternoon. There are so many times in life that I want to shine or be the focal point… and I have to try to be mindful that His light through me shines brightest. He is my strength, and with that nothing is impossible or hopeless. His Grace is sufficient… and as I continue to relearn to rely on that and lean on His unwavering strength I will know not to doubt or worry.

This is a difficult lesson to embrace as a father… I want to appear strong and in control as a parent so I struggle with this at times. I have to keep in mind what I am modeling for my sons so they can gain comfort in leaning on His strength as they grow into men… not only when times are difficult but in all things at all times.

Thanks for coming along for the ride… Kiss your kids!

The other night (or morning, depending on your perspective) Dillon comes bounding into our bedroom looking to crash for the evening. He informed Kendra she could take Ethan with her and sleep in his bottom bunk. He was looking for some time with just dad. I lay there for a few minutes trying to manage my reaction to this… I certainly was not excited about being startled awake, but I had to take a moment to really grasp what was happening. With all the activities and chaos that consume my daily schedule, I had scarcely had time to devote individual attention to my children. From moving halfway across the country and then moving again from the rental to this house to having a new addition to the family, our kids have had to manage a ton of change. We contintue to be impressed by how well they seem to be adjusting, but this particular evening gave me a glimpse at what was truly beneath Dillon’s patient exterior: he just desperately needed some quiet time. 

All three boys have been fantastic big brothers; they are constantly concerned with making sure Ethan is comfortable or has what he needs. They often stop what they are doing if he cries to try to lend a hand. They always ask to hold him and help out with tummy time. There has been no indication of jealousy or resentment. I think that we have been so relieved with how things have transitioned that we have given our remaining attention to the details of maintaining the house and keeping all the plates spinning at work. Dillon helped me to realize that we still have three other boys we need to dote on and have special time with. This is a humbling lesson that I had not thought I would have to learn, but as I honestly reflect on the last several weeks it has been quite convenient for me to lump the boys together in some activity and use the time with all of them as my “family time”. This is a cop out. I refuse to continue down this path. My four-year-old should not have to wake himself up in the middle of the night in order to spend some quality time with his father. 

Dillon and I took a trip to grab breakfast for the family… it was a simple trip and it took all of about 25 minutes, but it allowed me to connect with him in a way that we had not been able to in a long while. My committment to him and to Jaden and to Logan (Ethan tends to find ways to get alone time) is to continue to find little ways to spend bigger and bigger slices of time together that are individually significant. This time slips by so quickly, and we only get one chance to try to parent these guys. I want to make the most of the time I have in front of them while my opinion still matters and while they still see hanging out with me as a “cool” thing to do. The sands in the hour glass don’t pause… family has to remain the higher priority over the distractions of life… hopefully I can stay on track and we can find enough time in the day for our dedicated time, and we can all go back to sleeping peacefully at night.

Thanks for coming along for the ride… Kiss your kids! 

The day quickly arrived. We sold the house (or handed it away, depending on the perspective) in early August and prepared for our physical move. Logan, Jaden, and Dillon were looking forward to being back in the Valley of the Sun. We had fun out in Kansas… many strolls downtown, trips out to Kansas City, grilling out with friends, Worlds of Fun, barbeque… barbeque… mmm… good friends and good fun – that will be sorely missed!

We are now slowly (yes, still slowly) getting ourselves settled in. We moved from a rental house to what we thought would be our long-term home, but… we have the U-Haul punch card nearly filled – two more moves and we get the free tank of gas and the his and hers padlocks! 

Kiss your kids! 

We were out looking for a few items one evening and ended up at Target. The kids were tired and we just wanted to get in and out quickly so I decided to run in to the store to pick up the few things we needed. I grabbed a red basket and made my way to the far end of the store to retrieve my goods. When I arrived at my desired aisle, as often happens I noticed a few more things that I could not do without. One of my impulse items was an 24-pack of Vitamin Water, to which I had become recently addicted. I noticed quickly that it would not fit in my red basket. I set the basket down and made a few attempts at stacking my selections in a way that would allow me to carry them all back to the front of the store. I had several close calls at dropping everything, but was finally able to stand up, turn around, and make my way out of the aisle. As I was leaving the section, I noticed an empty shopping cart. It was sitting casually by a candy display and I had not noticed it when I entered the aisle. I looked around and no one seemed to belong to it. I thought about setting everything down and pushing the cart to the registers, but I chose not to and struggled on. I managed to make it most of the way down a major aisle toward the front of the store (I had now almost  traveled the length of the store and was in view of the turn that would take me the width of the store to the registers) when I noticed another solitary cart off to the side. I looked around and again could not identify anyone who might have been using it. I set my burdens down into the cart and pushed on. As I made my way toward the check out stands, it struck me that God is often there inviting me to lay my burdens down and give my troubles to Him. I drew a parallel between this instance and the challenges we had been facing in our life… We have been stressing over moving, over the arrival of our newest child, over little things, big things…everything. That trip into the store reminded me that He does not give up on me even when I pass up his offer for help. He just provides another opportunity…

I felt compelled to share this story… It seems a lesson I have to relearn from time to time. Our boys are entering different milestones of independence now. Logan is entering adolescence and will be faced with many new choices and situations that he will have to manage. Jaden and Dillon are expressing individuality and the desire to do “big boy” things more frequently and consistently. Our offerings for help will go unaccepted quite often I am sure… but we will have to remain patient and allow them to recognize that we are there for them when they need us and we will not force our support. It will be difficult to see them struggle with things that I could easily make better for them or show them how to do differently. It will be very difficult to watch them fail knowing I could have interfered or offered some assistance. But when they do come for help, we won’t mention the times we could have helped in the past… we will only do what we can and continue to offer our love and support… and keeping this perspective, I think I have some things to go set down.

Thanks for coming along for the ride…. Kiss your kids!